If there’s one thing that remains constant across the board in every area of life, it’s change.
Nothing stays the same.
Yet, so many people fear and actively resist change.
Whether it’s something as simple as missing a part of your daily routine, a bit bigger like moving states, or something as life-shifting as divorce or changing careers, change is a serious endeavor.
Breaking it down it’s just a whole bunch of decisions that have to be made. And often faster than we think we’re ready for.
While change is typically initiated because of the perceived gain that waits on the other side, it comes with a cost.
In a lot of ways, it’s like losing a relationship.
How you relate to the object of change shifts.
When that shifts, life will reorganize in unexpected ways.
Here’s what happens…
- You face potential rejection from people who you were close with or who also held that particular identity close
- There’s the feeling of “starting all over again” and with that feeling stupid or behind because there are likely several new skills that you’ll have to acquire.
- Changing one thing often changes everything. Just like solving one problem often creates new problems, creating change can cascade into more change.
- The uncertainty that comes along with change can bring up our insecurities, doubts, past traumas, and all kinds of internal triggers that attempt to ratchet us back to our old reality.
We need to look at why we’re changing and understand that creating change ultimately comes down to trusting yourself.
Knowing that this is your next best step.
And despite everything around you reorganizing, the opinion of other people, or the potential insecurities that resurface, it’s just what needs to happen.
In this article, I’m going to unpack the 4 biggest fears when it comes to creating change and how to mitigate those fears using 3 principles for successfully navigating change.
The Big 4 Fears
When looking down the barrel of change, we’re typically confronted with these 4 major fears. Sometimes we’re aware they exist, but more often than not they operate as irrational fears consuming precious mental and emotional space.
- The fear of permanence
- The fear of failure
- The fear of regret
- The fear of loss
Let’s look at each one of these a little closer.
The fear of permanence
When we change from one reality to another, something interesting happens.
Even though we know we’re changing for the better and even though we’ve changed many times before, we think that the change in front of us is permanent.
That once we move forward, there’s no going back.
There couldn’t be a more irrational fear in this area.
My clients have this fear when choosing their avatar and offer.
They think that it’s forever and in choosing one there’s more loss than gain.
But even in this case, the whole point is to make it undeniably clear who you serve and how you serve them so you can serve more people effectively by streamlining your marketing.
Look, if I told you right now that there was a 10,000 square-foot house overlooking the ocean that was completely paid for along with a garage full of exotic cars, a team to take care of all of it, and a bank account with 20 million dollars in it and you didn’t have to pay taxes on any of this, would you fear that reality?
Most likely not.
It’s not the new reality looking us in the face that’s hard to wrap our heads around.
It’s the uncertainty of how it’s going to pan out that triggers the fear of permanence.
Uncertainty is normal. Especially when shifting into new territory.
In the initial stages of change, we may start asking ourselves questions like…
Did I make the right decision?
Oh my God, what did I do?
I miss (something about my old life or job)
Why do I feel so terrified still?
Change is uncertain and the more you can suspend yourself in uncertainty while dialing up your ability to stay curious and trust as you navigate the waters of change, the better it will turn out.
Even if it’s overall something we do not want, staying the same provides more predictability.
Even if that is predictably shitty.
Said another way…
Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.
The fear of failure
The vast majority of people have an aversion to risk.
And in most cases, risk aversion is a symptom of an underlying fear.
The fear of failure.
If you knew with 100% certainty that you wouldn’t fail, chances are you’d plunge right into change without batting an eye.
The problem here isn’t failure.
It’s managing expectations.
Look at it this way…
If you forecast a particular outcome and it turns out different than you imagined. EVEN IF you won (whatever that means for the particular situation) you likely feel like you lost.
And when that happens it can register as a failure.
I recently ran a 50-mile ultra marathon. You could say that I failed because I only ended up running 36 miles because of a foot injury.
But for me, it was a huge win.
Sticking it out and running the back 14 miles would have been an easy thing for me to do. Finding ways to be in pain and still keep moving is something that we ultra runners are no strangers to.
Taking a DNF (Did Not Finish) was the harder decision for me. For a moment I visited the reality of disappointing people and even thinking that I would look stupid.
None of that was true.
I could have seen this as a failure. But the fact that I chose to call the race and play it relatively safe was absolutely the right move.
How do I know?
Because when I look at the situation as a whole, it all adds up. And it feels right. Still. Zero regrets.
In fact, after I made peace with my decision I instantly smiled. I was very pleased with myself and proud that I didn’t let my ego win this one.
Failure is all how you frame it.
The fear of regret
“Fear of regret refers to anxiety about doing something one might later regret. The fear of regret intensifies the paralysis of chronic indecision. The fear of regret can keep someone from enjoying the path they have already taken.”1
There are two pieces to this.
Before making a decision we see something we might later regret, and while considering the options, this produces a state of anxiety.
And even after the decision has already been made, the fear of regret can prevent someone from enjoying the path they just chose. Even if there’s plenty to enjoy about it.
One of the things that makes it incredibly difficult to choose and be at peace with our choice is the fact that we have infinite options.
I won’t go too deep into this here but you can check out a recent article I wrote on 12 Rules of Decision Making that goes into this a bit more.
The more options we have, the more challenging it is to make a decision.
It would seem like the opposite is true but what’s actually true is that the more options we have the harder it is to make a decision.
And even once we’ve made a decision, the tendency to look back and think that we “should have” chosen a different option can haunt us.
I’ve done this the past couple of times I’ve upgraded my phone. I went with the iPhone Pro Max because working on a larger screen is just so much easier than the smaller one.
But my mind started spitting out options…
Do I want something more pocket-friendly?
The pro is so much easier to use with one hand.
I can take it on my runs too without it feeling too bulky (even though I never run with my phone or headphones 🙂
Then the voice coming in to counter those in favor of the pro max…
The screen is so much better, especially for reading anything.
It’s so much easier to type on.
The battery life is longer…
And the worst part about all of this… we revisit it until something clicks.
Maybe it’s the 30-day return window, maybe it’s finally being tired of hearing ourselves double back on the options available, or maybe something finally sticks and we make the choice and stick with it.
It doesn’t matter if it’s something as silly as an iPhone, or more permanent like having a child.
Reconciling with the fear of regret and being at peace with our decisions is critical.
The fear of loss
More often than not, when one thing changes everything changes.
We build realities around our relationships.
Our relationships with people and our relationship with things.
And when we chart a new path, life will reorganize accordingly.
It has to.
Before I was in the information industry and coaching space I was a live-in private chef.
For that span of 7 years, I adopted a few different styles of eating due to the specialized nature of my service.
For a couple of those years, I was a raw vegan.
I remember the day I ate cooked food for the first time in years.
The biggest fear I had was that my friends would disown me.
If you’ve encountered any extreme types like this then you probably know that some can be extremely judgemental and even territorial about the way they eat and live.
I get it though.
The conviction of others, especially those we’re close to, can help us have more resolve about our choices or lifestyles.
And when that changes, it can pose a threat to our resolve.
Eventually, I just got used to the fact that some people are going to stick around and some aren’t.
And the ones that stuck around were my true friends and the ones who didn’t, well they can just F off 🙂
Loss is part of life. If you can focus on what you’re gaining more than what you’re losing, you’ll be able to reconcile and feel better about your decision.
Now let’s look at a few principles to ease the pain of navigating change.
A simple guide to navigating change
Keeping the big 4 fears in mind…
- The fear of permanence
- The fear of failure
- The fear of regret
- The fear of loss
These 3 principles will help you gain the necessary insight so you can feel good about your new direction.
1. Fear or facts
Find out what’s true. Too many times we look at the road ahead and project possibilities that aren’t factually true. Some call this catastrophizing.
We cook up all of these negative scenarios where things go horribly wrong.
And more often than not our imagination is parallel to that of a blockbuster movie storyline.
There’s a simple remedy for this.
Discover what’s true.
Is it F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real) or facts?
Examine the scenarios that play out. Don’t necessarily buy into them.
Witness them and ask yourself the question…
Is that true?
This will give you an accurate picture and assist you in building a solid foundation for whatever option is the best move right now.
You will likely have to do this many times to successfully navigate the transition, continuing to put your fears at bay and look at the facts of what you’re dealing with.
As you sort through the clutter you will reach a moment where the evidence stacks in one direction and the correct choice presents itself.
2. Embrace uncertainty and discomfort
Uncertainty is probably one of the most unsettling feelings.
Staring into the abyss that is a new potential reality and having too many possible outcomes to entertain.
Risk, uncertainty, and discomfort and lead to dysregulation.
The feeling of being off.
When that happens we search for something to bring us back into a state of balance.
Sometimes that means seeking council.
Other times that means voraciously consuming information with the hopes of gaining even a shred of clarity.
At the end of the day, there comes a moment where no amount of council or information is going to give you the thing you’re looking for.
You just have to find a way to embrace the feeling of discomfort and uncertainty.
And in that suspend the need to figure it out.
Because most likely it’s not even something that can be figured out.
Looking to feel ready, however you define that, likely doesn’t exist.
Whenever I navigate change large or small I have one phrase that sobers me in the moment.
Let’s find out.
Here’s the thing.
Most fear and the aversion to uncertainty and discomfort lives in the approach.
The space leading up to a decision or change.
If you can suspend those feelings long enough to take the next step, it becomes a game of discovery instead of needing to know the next 10 steps ahead.
3. Measure backwards
One of the most useful tools to create confidence and build your character is the act of celebrating your past successes.
More likely than not there are times in the past where you’ve successfully navigated change.
Perform a mental review.
Look back at those moments.
Feel what you felt when you claimed victory.
Also, look at how you felt unsure or indecisive initially and the steps you took to find your footing.
You probably also have some significant lessons from the past.
Any time you’ve failed or made a mistake, examine that to.
What did you learn?
If you could do that again what would you do differently?
Measuring backward gives you a way to leverage your past experiences and utilize the knowledge and experience to make change more seamless today.
The fears and other emotions that come up when we start to entertain the possibility of change aren’t going anywhere.
Using these three principles will help you keep those emotions in check.
Knowing the big four fears, realizing that they’re potentially just pieces of false evidence appearing real, and reconciling with the reality of loss (even though there’s almost always more to gain) will keep reality in perspective while giving you the resolve to take the necessary next steps.
Until next time,
Jeff Agostinelli
- Martin N. Seif, Ph.D. (2001) Behind Chronic Indecisiveness: The Fear of Regret. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-sticky-mind/202111/behind-chronic-indecisiveness-the-fear-regret
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