The world seems to be split into two distinct categories of people.
#1 – The Passive
#2 – The Aggressive
The passive go with the crowd. Very rarely do they decide for themselves what they actually want.
They tend to follow the rules, do everything right by society’s (and their peer group’s) standards, and don’t rock the boat too much because it would feel extremely disruptive to their reality.
Then we have the aggressive. The tycoons, hard closers, the fighters. They will win at all costs. They don’t care who or what gets in the way. All they care about is their own self-interest.
Nothing else matters.
The creator space is no different.
On one side you have the passive. This usually looks like people who have fully bought into the law of attraction as if belief and thoughts alone will get you to your goals because…
Change your thoughts, change your life.
Right?
On the other side, we have the hustlers. Always working 24/7. Because if they’re not hustling, then what’s the point?
David Goggins is their spirit animal.
And like most contentious sides of the spectrum when it comes to anything, the ones on the far left and the far right have plenty to say about the other.
But this isn’t new…
Manifestation vs action Skiers and snowboarders Surfers and pretty much any other sport Plant-based vs animal-based Democrats and Republicans
The problem isn’t in falling into either of these extremes.
It’s being on one extreme and judging the other. Because what we judge we tend to avoid.
Looking at the far end of the other spectrum and aiming to never be anything like it.
So the passive don’t get aggressive (to any degree).
And the aggressive stay relentless. Very rarely if ever powering down long enough to reflect.
It gets to the point where NOT being like the other is a major part of their identity.
What if I told you there was a middle ground?
Most ancient cultures or religions practiced this middle path.
In Buddism, it’s called The Middle Way.
The ancient Chinese Yin Yang symbolizes balance and harmony.
The middle ground I’m speaking to here is the balance between being the passive observer and the aggressive action taker.
This is The Assertive middle ground.
Whether you’re looking to grow your business (or have the courage to start), ask the girl out you’ve wanted to but didn’t have the guts, or simply have the resolve to start creating your life to reflect what you want to experience, adopting more assertive qualities will help you do that and more.
Let’s unpack what being assertive is and some habits you can install to start taking control of your life and business.
The Assertive Middle Ground
Unlike the extremes, being assertive doesn’t demand you surrender your identity. It’s about recognizing and valuing your thoughts, ideas, and emotions, and then acting upon them with clarity and purpose.
What I saw growing up is that you need to be aggressive in order to be successful. Those were the guys who got the girls, made the money, and made it in life.
Human nature is to mirror what we see. It’s how we learn.
I spent years priding myself on being the aggressor.
I was a bully
The jock (I got a D1 lacrosse scholarship)
I was the life of the party and always the guy who could bring the goods (ie drugs)
I was constantly looking for a fight
I was an overall intense in your face kind of guy
Eventually, I hit a wall. After a 2 day bender, my girlfriend at the time came over to find me face down on my dorm room floor. For the next 5 days, she had to nurse me back to health.
This was the first time I got clean.
When I got sober (and stayed that way for 10 years) I had swung to the opposite side of the spectrum.
- I got into all things spiritual
- Went to a couple of 10-day vipassana meditation retreats and became an avid meditator
- Took up a plant-based vegan diet (for the better part of 10 years)
- Stopped all substances and got sober (also for about 10 years)
As a result of this shift, all the qualities that came along with the aggressive hustler were labeled as wrong and bad.
There was no way I was going to do any of those things because that’s not who I was anymore.
But that came at a serious cost.
- I didn’t speak up when I believed in something whether that was to express an opinion or to speak out about an injustice.
- I went with the flow of what people in my life wanted because having no preferences was safer than conflict.
- And I thought that if I were just a good enough person that everything would work out.
Being assertive saved my life AND my business.
It brought me out of a funk I was in after divorce.
I don’t know where I would be today if I continued to just meander as the passive observer.
As much as it pains me to link this video, you can see a bit of a before and after Jeff here: https://www.instagram.com/reel/CpDvbJyslIG
When one thing changes, everything usually changes
Here’s what can be challenging about this and why many hesitate to change.
When you change who you are it almost instantly drives people in your life into a state of fear.
And when you’re not accepted as the person you are becoming you will want to go back to being who you used to be.
What you need to understand is that those who will be in your life for the long haul will accept the new you. Because it’s who you are.
The ones who need you to be a certain way in order for them to be ok will naturally fall away.
Defining what it means to be assertive
Assertive is…
- Speaking your mind because what you value is important to you
- Taking action on your ideas because you have enough faith in yourself to follow through and you also believe that your ideas are important enough to act on
- Knowing what you need to do and doing it without a lot of hesitation or doubt
- Following through on your word
- Being able to speak what you feel without placing blame on everyone else
In a lot of ways, being assertive is reclaiming the parts of yourself that you pushed away and accepting who you are.
And when you do, a lot of what you’re trying to create will start clicking into place.
At least it did for me and also for a lot of people (coaches and creators) I’ve worked with.
It has allowed them to…
- Conduct better sales calls
- Create more clear and authoritative content
- Send the DM or message when previously they were afraid of coming off as too salesy or pushy
- And of course, it has helped them make more money
If you’re sitting back and waiting for opportunity to fall into your lap, you’re going to be waiting a long time.
You have to meet it in the middle.
Understanding the Power of Assertiveness
Being assertive isn’t merely finding a comfortable middle. It’s about harnessing energy intentionally, deciding proactively, and interacting with the universe in a dynamic relationship.
When we are overly passive, it often translates to a lack of motivation, focus, and direction, leading us to feel like we’re merely going through the motions. On the other hand, extreme aggression can lead to burnout and regret.
Assertiveness is about knowing what you want and having the confidence to pursue it. It’s about being proactive without being overbearing, listening without being submissive, and acknowledging our needs without overriding others.
Personally, I played on both sides of the spectrum. And the vast majority of people in my opinion fall into the passive.
These habits will focus on helping you make the shift from being passive to being more assertive.
4 habits to train yourself to be more assertive
1. Make more decisions – You have to train yourself to accept the fact that you will make “the wrong” choice. Claiming not to know and allowing that to keep you where you are will keep things just the way they are. Not only that, but indecision is one of the most energetically taxing states of being. There’s a constant pull in 2 or more directions. Adopt the belief that you can always change direction. What’s required is taking the first step. A lot of us live in maybe. Decide. Yes or no.
2. Focus on speed of implementation – While the first habit focuses more on sheer volume in your decisions, this shortens the distance between insight and action. Doubt, fear, and worry only live in a state of inaction. I can’t tell you how many times clients message me about this.
Things like…
When you know what to do, find the next best step (even if it’s small) and take it. Any fear you had will likely dissipate once you start. Then continue to take steps. Eventually, the scales will tip and you’ll start to leverage one of the most powerful forces, momentum.
3. Develop self-awareness – It’s hard to be assertive if you don’t know what you actually want. Noticing how you feel about your life and your current set of circumstances is critical information. When you know what needs to change you can change it. This is quite a big topic that I’ll unpack in another article but for now, develop a practice where you reflect on your life. This could be journaling or just active contemplation where you sit for 5 or 10 minutes and genuinely reflect on how you feel about your life and what if anything needs to change. Then from there starting to put #1 and #2 into action.
4. Practice clear direct communication – You need to know how to speak up for yourself and start saying what you actually want. Making more swift decisions and developing self-awareness is great, but if you’re still being indirect and beating around the bush, people will still wonder where you stand. Often times this also means saying the hard things and asking tough questions. But what also happens is you start to build genuine self-esteem, confidence, and deeper more connected relationships.
In an age of influencers and overtly loud voices, it’s easy to get swayed by the extremes. Yet, the magic lies in mastering the art of assertiveness.
It’s the key to unlocking motivation, direction, and clarity. Whether in personal relationships, business, or personal growth, assertiveness can be the difference between passive existence and living life on your terms.
So, challenge your beliefs, harness your energy, and move confidently into a world of assertive action.
Chat soon,
Jeff Agostinelli
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